Uncovering the darkness.

Dealing with the darkness starts with turning on the light. How to deal with this stuff in my life, its time to start turning on the light and looking into the corners. Have started working with J who comes with reccomendations from B. He seems like a good guy however I feel sad because I wont get to work with him for all that long due to moving south.

Sexual abuse is something incredibly shame based. No matter how logically my head tells me that what happened to me wasnt my fault, I think intrinsically what happened when I was a wee tott has programmed into me that I'm not worth anything more than being someones fuck toy. I guess in light of what happens with how neural pathways are laid down in children eg attachment this makes alot of sense. So I guess the question remains if this was a neural pathway laid down when I was a toddler, how does one combat it.

Graduation

Today I graduate from Massey University with a Bachelor of Arts with a major in social policy. Looking back I wish I'd had the forsight to bet on myself as the underdog given that my doctors said I wouldn't make my 25th birthday. The odds and that one would have cleared my student loan.


Where I am now, I have a degree, and I am working full time for a christian community mental health organisation with an almost full caseload. Thankyou Lord for all that you have done, and all that you are going to do.

Being a christian

So how do you tell the difference between a health environment and an unhealthy one?

Does your christian walk leave you feeling revitalised and renewed. You know that life wont always be easy however you are steadfast in knowledge that your Lord and Savior has your back and than even though the storms come, you can totally hold onto the promises in Psalm 91.


Or does your christian walk leave you feeling tired and exhausted. You are left feeling like it doesnt matter what you do, and how much effort that you put into being a christian that its never good enough. Do you feel that if you dont live up to the list of what good christians do, then God will withdraw from you.

The key difference is grace. On our own it doesnt matter how much we strive and try on our own, we will never be able to bridge the gap between us and God. However Jesus sent his son to die on the cross so that God could permanently bridge the gap between man kind and himself. That gift is free, and it doesnt matter what we have done, what we think we have done it is avaliable to all of us.

More than just a personality clash?

So now what?

You've been feeling like theres something wrong with the church you are in, perhaps you've been unable to articulate the problem however you've been talking to former members, who have put words to the feelings that you've been having.

So where too from here?

If this is a church that you have been involved in with for some time, the thought of leaving it will scare the crap out of you. I'd heard all the derogatory things about people who got into church hopping, moving from one church to the next, and then leaving because they didnt like some aspect of the new church. And was damm determined that I would never be one of those people, however gto stay where I was, was damaging my relationship with Christ.

I remember one night in church looking at the senior pastor praying for a couple, and even from the back of the church, thanks to the big screen televisions, I could see this pastor pushing them and trying to make them fall. Dont get me wrong, I believe that the Holy Spirit is alive and active in the church today, however He does not require people to act for Him. Then of course there was the memorable time when I went foward for prayer, and was in the moment, talking with God and the Pastor came along and prayed, and I felt him throw something on me, and assumed that it was water or oil. Afterwards, I realised this man had emptied communion wine over my head and of course, I happened to be wearing a white top. Now I know the symbolic meaning of communion wine symbolising the blood of Jesus, but for heavens sake, throwing red wine on someone thats wearing white.


There was several continual feelings. One was the feeling of being constantly under condemnation, for not paying my full tithe, for not getting down and helping with the working bee. Never mind the fact that the working bees were always on a Saturday when I was at work, trying to earn enough money to support myself as a student, and funny enough so I would actually have something to put in the offering plate on a sunday. Or for not being in two services on a sunday, I finally have a proper weekend, for the first time in three years, I actually have 2 whole days of a week. During study, I would get to Sunday and be so knackered from 5 days study and one days work, that I only had energy for one service. Nothing we ever did was good enough.

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

Paul is very clear, God does not bring condemnation. So, this raises the million dollar question, how do we know the difference. I read it somewhere and as soon as I can find the reference I will post it, but basically it defined condemnation as something that makes a person conform, that is, they are squeezed from the outside, and as a result of that external pressure, they conform, or they change, so that they can fit in with what ever group they are in. Change happens from the outside in. This external pressure, this condemnation and conformity brings stress, tiredness, worry and depression, things that are definately not listed as fruits of the spirit.

Where as, Gods conviction brings about transformation, that is, instead of being squished from the outside, and changed as a result of peer pressure, change comes as we allow the Holy Spirit to counsel us and correct us, and change comes as a result of wanting to change because what God speaks settles into our hearts and we see the truth in that and change occurs from the inside out. This version 0f christianity is refreshes our soul, gives us strength to deal with our daily lives in a manner that brings glory to Christ.


Another aspect of my old church, and one that I encountered after talking to former members, was the absolute belief in the word that was preached across the pulpit, and questioning of doctrine, and the senior pastor was the same as questioning God.

Acts 17:11 11 And the people of Berea were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, and they listened eagerly to Paul’s message. They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth.

Now if it was good enough for people to question Paul, and to search the scriptures to check up what Paul was saying was backed up by scripture, then why should it be an issue for a pastor in modern times to have his teaching opened to scrutiny. I mean, Paul wrote a large chunk of the new testament. IMO, nothing scares a genuine teacher/preacher more than teaching error, IMO if they are secure in themselves and their relationship with God then they wont mind taking the time to explain where they are coming from, or how their point is supported by scripture.

So, again, I have highlighted a bunch of points without giving any direction, so the question remains, now what?

Take a holiday, take some time away from your church, its telling, in two ways. If you are in a healthy environment, people will wish you well, and you will go with their blessing. In an unhealthy envir0nment, the leaders know that if people take time away from the pressures of the church, often they wont come back.


Most importantly, dont be afraid to read the bible, and to ask questions. Healthy and well balanced people dont have a problem with people asking questions


Also, pray for God to give you clear direction on where he would have you go.

Personality or Problem?

Its all very well and good talking about spiritual abuse, and stating that if it feels wrong to up and leave. I'd heard the stories about people who didn't like the direction the church was heading in, didn't like the fact that their giftings in a particular ministry weren't officially recognised, or perhaps they simply didn't like what the pastor was preaching so decided to pick up their toys and go and play in another sandbox.

I was determined that I wasn't going to become just another church hopper, someone who went to different churches when something happened they didn't agree with. So this comes back to the question of this post. How do you tell if its a clash of personalities, or are the problems more deeply rooted than that?

Through out my time at City Impact I had met many people that had been at City Impact and for one reason or the other had left, some citing spouses coming to faith and wanting to find a place more suited for both of them, others citing a plethora of reasons. I started talking to them, asking them about why they had really left and asking them to be straight up with me. The more people that I talked to, the more I realised that this problem wasn't just mine, and that perhaps the church that I was in wasn't the most healthy of places to be.

Now you may ask, why didn't I go to someone i trusted within the church and you would be right in asking that question. The truth is that I'd tried on several previous occasions to address areas of concern only to be fobbed off and given answers that did everything apart from answering the questions asked. I had been told that parking ones brain at the door wasn't a requirement for salvation yet it seemed that I was getting penalised for using my critical thinking abilities.

I ended up talking with about 15 people, some who knew each other, some who didn't, however kept getting the same answers which included


1. Over emphasis on tithing, the use of scripture taken out of context in order to justify the weekly extortion.

2. The unquestioned idea that one man could be anointed of God, and so infallible that they don't answer to any other person. None of us actually disbelieved in the idea of God anointing people and raising them up for a specific task, however the reality is, that this side of the grave, we are all still very much human, and very much still able to get it wrong and stuff up. I forget exactly what C one of the pastors said, but it was the equivalent of even if PM or BM were wrong then she wouldn't correct them because it wasn't her place to do it. I mean heck, if a senior pastor is not open to correction from one of his elders, then that's just scary.

3. The idea that we need an intermediary between us and God. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit as a Comforter and a Counselor, and what good is a counselor if they are not allowed to counsel.

MacBook

I decided that enough was enough, PCs are evil and will bring about a decline in western civilisation as we know it, and made the switch to a MacBook. Its a really pretty piece of machinary, and at last no more viruses no more spyware, and no more computer getting overburdened by hideous programs like nortons that are a total resource hog and slow down our PCs.

Not to mention that the battery life on this is outstanding, I can get 4-5 hours from a single charged battery. Open office software allows me to create documents that can be opened on a microsoft computer, mercury messenger allows me to have webcam chat with my families. Its nothing but cool.


I think this shall be my blog of choice now, its time for a change.

Characteristics of a Spiritually abusive church or group

Taken from Inside Destiny Church.

1. Exclusivism. Cults teach that only they have the truth and the correct path to salvation. Leaving the cult is equated with leaving God, and members really believe that leaving the cult means they can never be saved. How many times did I hear that idea propagated. V telling me that CIC was the only church apart from perhaps Destiny Church that had sufficent enough annointing for me to get truly free. PM from the pulpit propagating the idea that most other churches in New Zealand were full of dead wood, not going places

2. Fear, guilt and intimidation. Leadership is feared, and disagreeing with the leadership (or even just questioning it) is akin to disagreeing with God. The mini sermons each week on giving. I remeber one day BM getting up and going on about the widows mite and how it was such a sacrifice for the widows of the church to be giving, and how dare we do any less than them. Absolutley bugged the crap out of me like there were no other groups in the church that struggled to make their tithe but still did.

3. The third aspect is totalitarian control over the lifestyle and time of its members – this totalitarian control is necessary for the leaders to indoctrinate the followers in everything they do, and is also an attempt to separate them from anything not associated with the cult. I am not sure about this one. I know that I was supposed to have unquestioning obdience to people like J and C, however I wonder if it was never pushed to much with me maybe they sensed if they pushed it to much I'd end up telling them to stuff off. . Who was it, V, or someone who said about not giving S all the information at once.....Kind of creepy

4. The fourth aspect common to most cults is a charismatic, self-appointed leader with complete authority - Cult members are taught not to question the teachings, practices, or ideas of the leader. Many cult leaders are charismatic people, and are able to influence people to believe them. P & BM were the ultimate authority. I forget how C phrased it exactly but it was like that even if PM was in error, she would still follow him because it wasnt her place to question. Grr, I wish I could remember exactly how she put it.

5. The fifth aspect is a focus on withholding truth from non-members. Many cults teach their followers to be completely open and truthful within the group, while at the same time they are encouraged to be secretive and evasive when questioned by people outside of the group. The members are taught that outsiders wouldn't understand. Didnt ever really encounter this too much, however was very much on the outside

6. The final way in which a group is classed as a cult is if it presents itself as being Christian or compatible with Christianity, but has severe theological differences to normal Christianity. I dont know if the differences would make a difference to salvation, however there is the tithing issue, in that a memeber must be giving 10% of money, be involved in helping out at church, as well as giving offerings when needed. As well as that the whole idea that for a christian had to be under apostolic authority in order to be truly blessed.

Spirtual Abuse

I'm often asked by people to explain what I mean by spiritual abuse. So here goes.

Imagine a child who has been through some of the worst sexual abuse you could imagine from a very young age. The child learns how to tolerate it, the abuse began so long ago, that the child begins to think being raped, sodimised and brutalised is the norm. However one day the childs abuser starts bringing around friends.

The child decides to tell someone, and choses a person that they think will be trustworthy. The day comes the child discloses. But instead of doing the right thing and going with the child to the police and supporting them through the process, the person decides the child looks like a nice piece of meat and rapes the child.

The child retreats into themself. They have learnt from a very young age that people can not be trusted. They will not involve theirself in a similar situation where they could be hurt again, and they spend their life, bitter, and alone.


Not how God created us to be.